


Shoot and Cry

by dderrick



Category: Fallout 4
Genre: M/M, but the more people like it the faster itll come out, it also has everyone just.. everyone i can get my grubby little hands on, its gonna get there
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-12 08:05:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5658868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dderrick/pseuds/dderrick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Steven feels the pangs of his desperation.</p>
          </blockquote>





	1. shoot and cry

When he practically fell out of the cryo pod, his hands kept shaking. His body was shaking, the world seemed to be crumbling around him as he scrawled to the chamber across from his. He remembered what Nate had always told him when he started to lose himself. When the pressure of the present became too much and he started to get crushed by his responsibilities. "It's okay, baby, it's okay. One foot, then the other. Stand up, I'm right here. I'm always here," he said. Nate always knew what to say. What to do. How to hold him, putting his hands where the world seemed to be dragging him down the most, and kissing Steven's hair softly. But that was the past, now.

'Breathe,' Steven thought. Stand up. He grabbed the handlebars and pulled on them with all his strength, forcing his legs to support himself. He pressed his face against the window of the cryo pod, staring at the body of his limp husband. His eyes started watering, before frantically glancing around, finding the large red button and smashing it with his hand. The world was blurring, everything was getting harder to focus on. He heard the air release, he watched it open and began to cry. His body went limp as he wracked with sobs and he grasped Nate's knee. He took Nate's hand, intertwining their fingers. Squeezing, forcing Nate's fingers to wrap around his. "You were supposed to be here when I woke up. You were.. Always supposed to be with me, y'know? ...I love you. You knew that, right, Nate? I loved you with everything I had. Please, baby. Please. I need you."

Hours later, Steven was still talking. Managing to calm himself down, bottling up the grief so he could handle it appropriately when he had the time. Nate's body began to slump, the water soaking his suit. Steven slid the ring off Nate's finger and kissed the back of his hand. He had stopped crying by now, hours had passed of him just speaking. "I'll find who did this. I'll get back Shaun. I promise. I love you, okay?"

Sliding Nate's ring on his index finger, the only place it fit, really, because Nate's hands were always bigger than Steven's. He climbed into Nate's lap, pressing his lips to Nate's pale forehead and then to Nate's lips. "At least you're not rotting," he said, tracing his fingers along Nate's face. "But kissing you? That's still gross," he said as he kissed him again.

\- - - - - -

When he made it out of the vault, back to his house, he thought he was okay. He thought he was done with crying, that he had cried for hours, that there should be no more tears left in him. Then Codsworth was there, talking to him, telling him what it was like. He told him what year it was and his knees buckled, he stumbled towards the house, tripping over his own feet and falling flat on his ass.

"Sir? Are you alright?" Codsworth questioned.

"Yes, yes, Codsworth. I'll be alright, I just.. I just need some time."

Codsworth told him that perhaps he needed to eat, and that not showing up for dinner for two centuries will do that to someone. Steven snorted, but didn't refuse. So, he sat in the ruins of his old house, eating food, trying to think what to do. He remembered what it was like before, when the walls weren't broken and the floor was smooth and shiny. He set the food down on the ruined table, and walked down the familiar hallway, dragging his hands along the walls.

He stopped in Shaun's room, looking at the baby's cradle. _'My sweet baby. Taken from me. He's probably grown up. A teenager. Oh my god, a teenager. Or an adult? Perhaps he's died and I'll meet my grandkid. What if he didn't find love? What if he didn't have kids, died alone, and I'll never get to meet him?'_ Steven's heart was pounding loud in his ears, as he tore his eyes away. Stalking into his bedroom he looked through his dressers and drawers, finding only a few bandanas he used to tame his curls, a hair brush, and Nate's old jacket. He put it on over his vault suit, letting himself be swallowed by its' size. Nate had always been bigger, broader, taller than Steven. It made it easy for Steven to curl into his chest, rest his head and sloppy hair on Nate's chest, but there was no more of that.

Eventually, Codsworth told him to head to Quincy. Steven nodded, smiling, even though his eyes were watering, again. So many memories, even down to the broken house that used to be his. That still is his, but there's nothing left there for him. Except Codsworth. He waved to the robot, telling him he'd be back, soon.

\- - - - - -

Dogmeat shocked the hell out of Steven, approaching with a wagging tail and barking him out of his dreamlike state. Steven was just walking before, listening to the holotape Codsworth had given him earlier. The sound of Nate's voice was keeping him focused. Grounded. But Dogmeat trotted towards him like an old friend and Steven couldn't help looking at the dog with wide eyes. Dogmeat stood on his hind legs, putting his arms on Steven's shoulders and licking him all over his face.

"Alright bud, alright. Okay. Yes, thank you, thank you for the kisses. So sweet, thank you."

Dogmeat dropped back onto his front legs and Steven crouched down running his fingers through Dogmeats fur, untying the bandana he wrapped around his head to keep his wild hair manageable around Dogmeat's neck. "There. Now you have a cute little bandana for a cute little puppy." Dogmeat wagged his tail and walked a little ways forward, sniffing around, doing dog things.

With that, Dogmeat followed him all the way to Quincy, trotting along side him, always in reach of Steven's hand. It was sweet. So sweet, that Steven found himself wiping tears from his eyes again. He rubbed them ring on his index finger with his thumb, remembering, and moved on.

\- - - - - -

He walked alongside Preston, elbow in elbow, on the way back to Sanctuary. He did it as a way of making conversation and also lessening the awkwardness of the whole situation. Yet, he also managed to slice his calf in the now nearly destroyed Power Armor and he kind of needed the assistance to walk.

"Man, this sucker hurts. And a deathclaw? I wonder why that bad boy showed up," Steven stated, filling the silence.

"I think it was because of all the noise those raiders were making. Wanting to defend territory or something along those lines."

"You know, Preston, I've been through hell today and did a lot of shameless crying and I think you're the first person I've met who hasn't made me cry. Yet," he teased.

"Be careful, now. You saying that might end up with you jinxing yourself," Preston joked.  
Steven chuckled, and realized just how tired he felt.

"Preston?"

"Yes?" he replied softly. He could feel Steven leaning on him, almost like he was struggling to stay awake to walk with the group, back to Sanctuary.

"I see your pain. It's deep. You smile, breathe and you keep pushing on. You know you don't have keep it locked up inside you, right?"

Preston sighed, looking at the ground as they walked. "Yeah, but sometimes it's better this way."

Sturges jogged up to catch up with Steven and began sputtering all types of compliments about how incredible it was that he could just pick up shooting a gun like that, and about how incredible it was that he could hack terminals, once again stating that he was more of a 'tinkerer' than a hacker. He continued on about his plans for Quincy, about different ways to use materials to build things that were useful in so many ways.  Steven added in the juice to keep the fire that was Sturges' going and it helped ease the fatigue. He eventually told Sturges that he might be able to collect some of the materials required to build, and his eyes lit up.

"Really?"

"Yeah, really."


	2. Less Crying, More shooting

Steven stopped dead in his tracks when he walked into the Cambridge police station, his eyes locking with Danse's. It was the first Steven saw his face. He came across the Paladin and his group in the night, doing his best not to be tracked by a small group of ferals. When he heard the gunfire, he quickly decided that someone was defending something, be it raiders or mutants, and that it would mostly be a defendable place to rest. Discovering the humans there overjoyed him, inspiring him to help the small party fight off the waves of ghouls that were attacking them, and then proceed to be interrogated by the Paladin. He answered honestly, and then offered his help in exchange for some money. Pain shot through his chest when Danse called him a 'typical mercenary.' He wanted to explain his reasoning, that he had a son to save, but his mouth was dry as the Paladin walked away after their conversation.

Yet here he was, his eyes flashing between Danse's face and the helmet the paladin had set down on the counter. He was mesmerizing, dark eyebrows and beard, beautiful eyes and full lips. He felt himself losing his grips on the reality around him, focusing on the man staring right back at him. Preston pushed against his back, pulling him back from the clouds.

"Stevie, I kind of want to go into the police station, I'm curious what the Brotherhood has that's requiring them to investigate the commonwealth," Preston urged. Steven turned flat on his heels and pressed his hands against Preston's chest.

"I need to go outside," he said, voice cracking. Preston paused, grabbing his wrists, and slowly backed out of the building, then letting their hands fall. He shut the door, and slung his other arm over Steven's shoulders.

"What's wrong?" He coaxed, doing his best to give comfort.

"I think I just fell in love, all over again. Y'know love at first sight? He... He just seems to be so much of what I used to see in Nate. Sharp edges to contrast a sweet face. Eventually Nate's face softened, but when I first met him, he was fresh out of the army. He looked just like that. Hollow cheeks and hardened eyes. But my lord, was he sweet. And this man? He talks like he wants to protect everyone. Like he loves the people he wants to defend," he rambled, looking out like he was seeing into time.

"And he's so big! Nate was big too. He was just too big to begin with, honestly. My lumbering husband who loved to carry me around. Who _loved_ me. Who couldn't help but try to join in when I danced at home, stepping on my feet and dipping me. Clapping during the rests when I played my music because he thought I finished. 'Beautiful,' he would say. He fell head over heels when I told him I was a lawyer, proposed to me the next day... Ah, look at you, letting me ramble on and on without letting you get a single word in," Steven chuckled, then shuddering, clinging to the jacket draped over his tiny frame. He pulled it close, sniffing the collar. "I swear, it still smells like him, 200-something years later. Isn't that funny?" he asked, his eyes red, tears streaming down his face.

Preston gently took his thumbs and wiped away the tears. "All the bad the Brotherhood had to bring, and this too," he mumbled to himself. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, yes. I just. This man.. This world is so different, I just don't... it's difficult, moving on. Thank you, Preston. I.. I'm ready to go inside now." Preston lead the way inside, and Steven followed in his shadow.

"Take whatever you need, and inform me when you're ready to move out," Danse announced to the both of them, and they both replied 'okay' at the same time, earning a giggle from Haylen and a snort from Rhys. Preston searched and salvaged the spare ammunition and items they needed while Steven looked through the terminals, taking in the information about the soldiers that had been lost.  "Must've been tough out here, huh?" he inquired, but no one met his eyes and no one replied.

"Alright, Preston. Is it alright if I see you back at Sanctuary?"

"Okay. Bye, General," Preston replied and walked out the door, giving a final wave. Steven zipped up his jacket and went through his supplies one last time. Danse grabbed his helmet, and opened his mouth to say something, but Steven quickly focused on Haylen. Pestering about Knight Rhys, and she gave some helpful words of advice on the man. Steven then proceeded to look at Rhys, ponder if it was worth it, and then threw his pack on.

"Ready to move out?" Danse asked.

"Ready," Steve replied.

"Outstanding. Follow me, and try not to lag behind," he asserted.

"I'll do my best," he mocked, barely a whisper.

\- - - - - -

They managed it, rampaging through ArcJet systems and ambushing the synths that took the deep range transmitter. Steven thought the only issue was him 'toasting' the Paladin to defeat the synth mobs, but the Paladin thought otherwise. He accepted the invitation to the brotherhood and proceeded to follow the Paladin back to the police station, mainly for his security.

Steven sat against the wall outside the station, assessing his situation, determining if he could work up the courage to ask Danse to come with him to Diamond City. When he walked through the doors, he was surprised to see everyone collected together as Danse introduced him as their newest initiate.

"Ah, um. I wish you told me you were going to announce this, I would've prepared a speech!" Haylen laughed, Rhys, once again, snorted, and Danse simply continued to stare.

"Thank you. I'll do my best," Steven announced.


	3. Kiss Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven feels the pangs of his desperation.

Danse laid Steven on his back, pushing himself between Steven's legs. He slipped his hand under Steven's shirt, pushing the fabric up and leaned down, tantalizingly close where Steven could feel Danse's breath on his neck. Steven's back arched, the sensation of breath setting him off, making him dig his nails in Danse's shoulders. Danse pressed his lips gently against the nick of Steven's jaw, and it felt so right, as he started to suck the skin softly. Steven gasped, wrapping his legs even tighter around Danse's hips and running his hands along Danse's back, grabbing the man's ass. Steven could swear he could feel Danse smiling against his skin, when he squeezed. Danse continued, kissing down his neck, along his collarbone. He took his teeth and bit his nipple softly, earning a satisfying moan from Steven. He continued, feathering kisses down his stomach until he reached the waistline of Steven's jeans.

"Initiate, wake up," Danse whispered, hooking his fingers in Steven's jeans.

"Wh.. what?"

"Wake up. Steven, _wake up._ "

Steven jolted up, cold sweat on his face. Danse was standing beside his bed, letting out a sigh of relief. Steven took his torn blanket and made sure it covered his crotch,  then wiping his forearm on his forehead, cringing at the way his hair was stuck there. He ran a finger across his hairline, moving lose hairs back and securing them with a piece of torn fabric.

"I repeatedly asked you to wake up and you didn't, I was beginning to feel nervous. It looked like you were having an unpleasant dream."

"I... Uh... Wasn't that bad, but.. I appreciate you worrying about me, Danse."

"Anytime, solider. Ready to move out?"

 

* * *

Piper was a riot, Steven thought. Tricking her way back through the gates of Diamond City. Steven loved the way she could effortlessly think on the spot, managing to always have the last word, whether it be an argument or conversation, she always knew what to say. He admired that, swirling the ring on his finger.

She led the way through the gates, and as he entered Diamond City, his heart stopped. Time seemed to drag to a halt, and he could feel his blood pumping. Sloshing through his veins, ice cold. Here, was one of humanity's last strips of civilization. It was astonishing. Steven felt his limbs get heavy, weighing down with the realization of how severe the world had been lost when the bombs fell. He dropped to his knees, sitting backwards on his feet.

Steven didn't know what to expect, but it wasn't this. A ballpark, reformed, changed into a fortress where the people on the inside looked like they were desperately ignoring the world they're in. Pretending. It made Steven lightheaded. _'My baby boy,'_ he thought. _'Who knows where he is now?'_

* * *

When he was walking Valentine back through the city, he realizes that, maybe, the Green Jewel isn't as bad as his first impression. He thinks that, maybe these people aren't lost, that they aren't waiting to be found. Maybe they're hiding. From what? He doesn't know.

Piper thinks they're hiding from the Institute, so that they don't get 'snatched up' in the middle of the night. Valentine thinks they're hiding from the hurt they feel when they lose their loved ones, and the guilt they feel when they can't look for them. Danse? He thinks that they're hiding from the chance to make a difference.

Yet, as Steven curls his legs up in the chair in Valentine's office, smiling and joking when he answers questions about what he remembers, shrinking up and darkening when he talks about the thief that killed his husband and stole his child, he believes he doesn't quite know what he's hiding from. Or what he's hiding. All he can think about is the rage he feels towards the man with a scar along his face.

He looked up at Danse, who stood by the door, face steely. He remembered his dream, face flushing with embarrassment. Standing up, he waved to Valentine and walked out the door. As he headed down the alleyway, Danse gently took his wrist.

"Do you have a minute? I have something I want to tell you. Off-record."

"I always have time for you, go ahead."

"Thank you. This is a.. difficult matter for me to discuss, so bear with me as I try to get through it." Steven nodded. "When you were first placed under my sponsorship, I had some serious reservations about it. Yet, despite all that, this has been a rewarding experience.. for both of us." Steven smiled, leaning against the wall.

"At the point, honestly, I don't think there's anything else I could teach you about being a Brotherhood solider that you don't already know. It's apparent from your attitude and actions, that you intend to keep those ideals close to your heart." Steven felt his heart melting, realizing how desperately this man was trying to explain himself to him. Flattering him.

"Alright, Danse, you're flattering me. But is there a point?"

"There is, but I'm just not very good at these sort of things. Let me start at the beginning-"

"There's no need," Steven said, holding his finger up. He stepped towards Danse, bridging the space between them. He gestured for Danse to come closer, so he leaned over, and Steven pressed his finger to Danse's lips, looking into his eyes and then kissed him. Just a peck at first, but then Danse leaned forward, closing the space that Steven made. He pressed their lips together again, throwing Steven off his guard.

It was warm and sloppy, but sweet. Danse seemed new to the entire experience, letting Steven lead, after warring for a couple seconds. Danse's beard tickled, which made Steven smile. Danse was shocked, undoubtedly, eyes wide when they first kissed, yet he didn't wait to further the embrace, wrapping metal arms around Steven's waist. Steven moved his hands through Danse's hair, fingers and nails leaving traces of touch that made Danse shudder. They both managed to separate, desperate for air. Danse was flushed, staring at Steven. Steven backed up, a wide smile spread across his face.

"We'll have plenty of time to talk, alright? There's a lot I want to tell you."

"Yes, we will. You've certainly given me something to think about."

* * *

They headed back to Sanctuary, walking into Steven's old house. Danse chose to stand, but Steven sat cross-legged on the counter. He took the fabric out of his hair, letting his curls fall and then brushing it out of his face.

"If you're ready, I'd like to continue the conversation from earlier."

"You should already know I'm listening."

So Danse talked, telling the story of his childhood, scrapping and struggling, then saving up to move to Rivet City. Explaining how he entered the Brotherhood. How he met Cutler, and how he lost him. How he felt the need to put him down, and Steven didn't have anything to say. He didn't know what to say.

Danse said that it was what he was taught but that he didn't know whether it was right or wrong. Steven said it was okay, that sometimes, it's hard not knowing whether or not your decision was right. And sometimes, you're not supposed to.

Steven then started talking about his life as kid. Growing up with the typical nuclear family, and then remembering when his sister was born. She was a ray of sunshine, and about how he planned for her to do all of his chores once she got old enough. His plans to beat up whomever broke her heart. He told Danse of when she died, of how much he cried by her hospital bed.

He talked about going through high school, learning how to dance and joining the school marching band. Playing the flute. Then when he got drafted, joining the army as soon as he could.

About how he met Nate, and they were inseparable. Best of friends. Then more than friends, in secret. Steven took his hair brush, running it through his curls as he explained how they got sent home. Becoming more than friends publicly. Going to law school, the proposal. The marriage. The adoption. Then the day the bombs fell.

And as Steven finished brushing and started braiding his hair, Danse said that he was glad they were friends, and it's a serious situation being that close to someone again. And the fear Danse felt about the thought of losing him. Steven smiled as finished the braid, hands falling into his lap.

"Yeah, but I would make sure that it will never happen to you again. I care about you too much to let that happen, yeah?" Steven looked up, and he saw Danse smiling back him.


End file.
